Review | We Wish You a Turtle Christmas (1994)

Above photo from The Movie Database.

In my childhood, there were two animated series I was absolutely obsessed with: The Real Ghostbusters, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When it came to both franchises, I had everything: The toys, the t-shirts, the pajamas, you name it!

Animated series aside, I also loved the live-action movies that came with them (yes, I know that Ghostbusters was a live-action movie BEFORE being an animated series, but this article is about TMNT, so let’s move this along, shall we?).

Fast forwarding a bit to the year 2009: While working at a video store, I befriended a regular customer named Alex Branch, with whom I would eventually co-create the CineBrosSupreme YouTube channel. As it turned out, we both were fans of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and even had a marathon of the three original movies in the Spring of 2009, and as you know: no Turtles marathon is complete without pizza. We literally paused our marathon (I forget which movie we were on at this point), walked to a local pizzeria called Greco Pizza, and ordered a full pie to eat with the movies. Full disclosure: we couldn’t even make it through the third movie, so we turned it off and watched some episodes of the animated series instead.

Later that same year, while visiting Alex, he said to me “Check this out!” and pulled out a VHS tape called We Wish You a Turtle Christmas. As big of a Turtles fan I was, I had never even heard of this Christmas special, but I quickly understood why: It was released directly to video in 1994, and by that time in my life I had moved on to bigger and better things – Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

Alex and I quickly went to my place (since I had a working VCR), and instead of just watching the tape, I decided to simultaneously capture it to my computer. The special wasn’t on YouTube, and I was always after rare / odd things to upload to it. Before we popped in the tape, we thought: “It’s the Turtles, how bad can it be?”. As it turns out: Very.

Join me as I take a look at a Christmas special “so awful that it makes ‘The Star Wars Holiday Special’ look like ‘Citizen Kane’!” (taken from my video description on YouTube).

The tape opens up with a one-minute theme song called We’re the Turtles, which I’ve learned was re-used from another direct-to-video special called Turtle Tunes, also released straight-to-video, and also in 1994. This song isn’t SO bad, and goes along well with shots of the Turtles walking around in their sewer.

We’re off to an okay start, I would say. Just wait…

We then cut to the opening credits, which is just plain white lettering in the comic sans font on a black backdrop. Immediate red flag!

Finally, the special starts rather abruptly with the Turtles decorating a Christmas tree as they break into a Turtle-esque rendition of Deck the Halls…

Deck the halls with Pepperoni,
Fa la la la la
La la la la
Must add eggplant and baloney
Fa la la la la
La la la la

This is just so bizarre, and for a couple of reasons: Not only does it start abruptly, but Leonardo is singing in a Jamaican accent, doing some scatting and everything… It’s very out of character! Also, it’s immediately apparent that this was not made by the same studio or production company that made the movies, because the costumes here are TERRIBLE! In the movies, at least the turtle masks were able to give them emotion through facial movements and expressions, here you have none of that. The mouths just move up and down in true Pac-Man fashion. Very unsettling.

After wrapping up their song, the Turtles have a chat about how they’re all done their Christmas shopping, until they quickly realize that nobody bought anything for Master Splinter. Of course, it’s 5 p.m. on Christmas Eve, so the Turtles have to scramble to go find a gift for Splinter.

This segues into a short track called Up from the Sewer. Oof. The thing about the songs here is that they are very simple and sound like they were written by children…

Stores will be closing
It’s really late
I hate to go shopping, I really do
Come on, let’s get this done.

Michaelangelo: It’s a beautiful night, it’ll work out fine.
Raphael: This is not my idea of fun.

We quickly move from one song to another (who needs a plot, anyway?) as the Turtles break into Gotta Get a Gift, and this time they’re joined by child extras, who are banging along on trash cans… How fitting. Get it? Trash? Garbage? As in “This special is garbage”? Okay, let’s move on to some lyrics…

Gotta get a gift for Splinter
He’s the last one on our list
He’s the only one we missed
We GOTTA get a gift, oh baby

Wait, WHAT THE??? I know, it’s probably the zipper of this cheap costume, but talk about unfortunate placement…

At the end of this song, Raphael states that there are only two hours left before the stores close, reminding us that there actually is a bit of a story here.

This brings us to another song, and a really RANDOM one, at that. On their way to the next store, Michaelangelo stops in front of a Christmas tree and breaks into an opera song called Oh Little City of New-York. What does that have to do with the story? Absolutely nothing. It’s very obvious that the creators of this special wanted to tackle as many musical genres as possible. So, for those of you keeping track: so far we have reggae and opera.

There is one funny bit in this segment where Raphael and (I think) Leonardo try to lift up Michaleangelo and drag him away, but he  fights them off and continues to sing. One of the most “in character” moments in the whole special.

Speaking of characters, I find it very hard to make out who’s who here. Michaelangelo and Raphael both look like they’re wearing red bandanas, and Leonardo and Donatello both look like they’re wearing purple. However, that could be the VHS quality making all the colors look the same, but I doubt it.

Now, after the two-minute opera song, Raphael reveals there’s only one hour of shopping left. How convenient. We then have a weird twenty-second bit of the turtles showing off yo-yos, comic books, a skateboard and a pizza. I guess those are the gifts they picked up for Splinter? Who knows, nothing has made sense so far, why start now?

Well, it turns out that those things ARE the gifts for Splinter, as we now join the Turtles wrapping the gifts while they do a little song called Wrap Rap. Yes, you can now add rap to the various musical styles found in this video. I gotta admit though: I kind of like this one. It’s catchy, and I’ve always wanted to make a re-enactment video of it with three other buddies. Never say never.

We now fade into Christmas morning in the sewer, where we see Master Splinter for the first time, and if you thought the Turtles’ costumes looked rough, wait until you see Splinter! He looks more like a cat than a rat, but a cat that got run over by a transport truck. He then speaks for the first time:

“My sons, children, please gather around. LET’S ROCK AND ROLL!”

Once again, a very out-of-character thing for Splinter to say. But it gets worse. He then breaks into a rendition of The Twelve Days of Christmas:

One the first day of Christmas
The Turtles gave to me
A pizza with pepperoni

One the second day of Christmas
The Turtles gave to me
Two comic books
And a pizza with pepperoni

You get the picture and can figure out the rest, right? Although, I must say: Alex still brings up the “And a pizza with pepperoni” bit quite frequently, complete with the Splinter accent, and I never get tired of it.

Something I realized recently while re-watching this special is that the kids who were banging away at the trash earlier are now hanging out with the Turtles in the sewer!! Where are their parents?!?!?! Do you even know these turtles well enough to follow them into a sewer??? Seems so unsafe…

Anyway, when Splinter FINALLY finishes up The Twelve Days of Christmas, Leonardo (or Donatello, I really can’t tell them apart here) says: “I can’t believe we got through that one. It’s only, like, the longest song ever written.”. He’s not kidding, as it felt like it lasted forever. Far too long, although there was one funny bit where Splinter struggles to keep up, until he gets to “FIVE VIDEO GAMES! Made it!”.

Splinter then gives a speech about the importance of spending time with your loved ones, while thinking of those who are less fortunate, and that Christmas isn’t all about receiving presents. Michaelangelo then basically blows off Splinter’s speech by shouting “Does anybody, like, want a pizza?”, and goes to order one on the phone. But, didn’t Splinter just receive a pizza with pepperoni as a gift?

This leads into the final song in the video, titled We Wish You a Turtles Christmas, to the tune of We Wish you a Merry Christmas. An example of the lyrics:

We wish you a year filled with pizza and cheese,
Whipped cream and pickles,
But no anchovies

When that song finally wraps up, we’re taken directly to the credits, phew! But guess what? The song plays again OVER the credits! However, the credits end with the voices of the Turtles just talking away as the credits roll.

“How about that ‘Twelve DAYS’ though, man. Did that go on for twelve YEARS, or what?”

The most logical thing spoken in the whole special. Speaking of the voice actors, I gotta say they did a decent job. Only two actors voiced the four Turtles, and they were both unknowns: Eric Anzelone and Alfredo Miller. That’s right folks, even Corey Feldman wouldn’t touch this one. That says something….

In addition to providing voices, Anzelone was the physical actor for Raphael, while Miller was in the Michaelangelo suit.

There you have it, folks: The TMNT Christmas special nobody asked for. I feel like I just reviewed a full-length, 90-minute special, when in reality it only runs for 23 minutes, and that’s WITH the credits!

In conclusion, only watch this if you’re a DIE-HARD fan of the Turtles, but don’t expect it to have the charm of the original series or movies. The target audience here is YOUNG children, like around three or four years old. And they just focused on squeezing out as many songs and in as many different genres they could in a 23-minute runtime. Oh, and pizza. HUGE focus on pizza.

MY FINAL SCORE: 1/5

My one point goes to Wrap Rap. Seriously, good luck getting that song out of your head after watching this.

Join me Wednesday, December 13, for a look back at my first viewing of a Christmas movie that’s far from awful. We need to cleanse our palate after this one, am I right?